Now that I'm finally on the road, I'm experiencing a multitude of emotions and thoughts. But let me digress for a moment. Optimistically . . . perhaps better stated in my case as "misty-optically" . . . I had envisioned starting this journey as early as the end of February. At the latest, the end of March. But here it is well into June, and I'm just getting started. But at least I'm started. Don't misunderstand. I'm excited to get underway. It's just the timing of things didn't fall into place as I had expected. What ever does?
One delay and obstacle after another impeded my well thought-out plan to get on the road as soon as possible. Perhaps not well thought, but a plan nevertheless. In the interim period prior to my recent departure, it seems that the extra time afforded my mind the opportunity to play games . . . "mind games" as some call it. It was like a "heckler," my mind that is, and said things like, "What the heck have you done by selling your house and quitting your job? You're an idiot! You're a fool! You're being irresponsible! What are you going to do when your funds dry up?" I have some church friends out there that might call this a form of "spiritual warfare." It's like a war waged in the mind by the lord of hecklers who hurls accusations from the very pit of heck. Whatever the case, it was a challenging few months.
On an emotional level, my heart began to sink and retreat in the face of the delays. "Second guessing" you might say. A "double-minded man" the Bible describes it, tossed about by waves of doubt and fear. I suspect you've been there . . . tossed around like a little boat in an ocean of commotion while waves of insecurity and apprehension splash up against you. That's how I felt, anyway. Stormy waters still threaten on the horizon, even after finally setting sail. I'm committed now. No rope holds me to the dock and the Wind is filling my sails. What is there to fear?
Here's what I'm discovering anew in this process so far:
Stop . . . rest . . . be still . . . and know. When I take the time to settle myself and look through the circumstances to the other side, the side that only faith can see, then the mental and emotional upheavals recede and peaceful and reassuring waters begin to flow again. It's only then that I'm reminded that Someone bigger than myself put this "crazy" idea in my head and passion in my heart to travel the uttermost road from my innermost being.
This is what I profoundly believe . . . but I could still be crazy.